I Will Review

Let's face it, Glee Season 1 back nine sucked major ass. The season finale, "Journey" was decent enough to save face. Was I expecting much from the Season 2 Pilot? Not really.

Three new people: Shannon Beiste (Dot Jones), Sunshine Corazon (Charice), and Sam Evans (Chord Overstreet). SRSLY? Chord?! When I first heard about it, I thought it was his character name. And I thought, "Glee's off the deep end. Eh." He looks like a taller and blonder Justin Bieber. A taller twin brother. Charice is... well, Charice. [I voted for her during that kid talent search; the name escapes me right now.] Dot Jones plays the new football coach, replacing Cho - er, I mean Ken Tanaka. Oh man, she's 6'3".

Josh Sussman (Jacob Ben Israel) opens the episode interviewing the characters. Best part was "Did you know that there's a forum on my blog that's begging you to stop rapping?" Eh, Mr. Shue... exactly. Rachel/Lea (eh, I don't know where the line is anymore) is as obnoxious as ever. I seriously do not know anybody like her in real life -- if people tell you you're annoying, shouldn't you at the very least tone it down? I get all the "I don't care what people say" and all but when it starts to drive the persons you're closest to away? I like the Tina/Mike twist very much. They look so cute together. And I'm not just saying that because they're both Asian. Brittany's comeback one-liner came up short. In fact, ALL of her one-liners in this episode were meah. "... I was lost in the sewers"? "Stop the violence"? "Actually, I wanted to touch her breasts"? WTF. Not funny. What happened to the male duck?

I did laugh the fuck out at this one-liner: "I've never had any balls in my mouth. Do you?" from Sam Evans. PERFECTION. And the looks on Finn's and Artie's faces. I had to pause and just giggle. And I find it cute that Artie's term of endearment for Tina is "woman". Haha, and mega "aww...." towards the end when he was watching Tina and Mike dance. :'(

Speaking of Sam Evans - dude, his real name is more interesting than his character name - Bieber doppelganger can saaang. "Billionaire" is... look at Puck's facial expression and that's what I thought. No disrespect to the Glee dudes but FINALLY someone who can legit sing and sing well. (Mark Salling + Guitar = FUCKING HAWT.) Charice, as we all know, can sing her face off. I was talking to a friend on YM while we were both watching and here's what she had to say:

"As a Pinay [Filipino - female slang], I am having secondhand satisfaction watching Sunshine upstage Rachel."

And upstage, she did. Although WTF is that weird sorta choreography Sunshine was doing during "Listen"? Other than that, Charice held up well. And oh, Rachel? "Listen" was written specifically for the movie adaptation of Dreamgirls so shut the fuck up.

The other songs: "Empire State of Mind" and "Telephone". I don't have much to say about that apart from TOURIST SHIRTS FTW! XD And yes, that look/moment between Finn and Biebs was a wee bit slashy.

"What I Did for Love" is absolutely the WRONG song to close the episode with. Especially with her singing it right after Finn voices out her real intentions of keeping Sunshine off of glee club. It came across as conflicting. Finn said that everyone knows that Rachel did it for herself and she admitted to that. Then she goes on to sing "But I won't regret what I did for love"? Love for whom? Herself? I wouldn't put it past her. And her excuse was rather shallow, dear Glee writers. "I don't want other people coming between our family, messing up our closeness" or something to that effect. Remember, you're short ONE member. Without him/her you won't be able to qualify for Nationals. So she'd rather protect her spot in the light instead of helping her fellow gleeks reach Nationals. Girl, "the gift was ours to borrow"... and now, it's gone.

Overall, the pilot episode was so-so. Typical Glee episode. I was left so confused by the ending.

Britney Spears episode is coming next and I feel no shame in saying how EXCITED I am for that.

Covert Affairs stars Piper Perabo, of Coyote Ugly fame, as CIA agent Annie Walker. She's new to the department and her guide is Augie Anderson, played by Christopher Gorham, a blind officer. In the past, she met and spent three "sensual" weeks with this man in Sri Lanka. One morning (after), she woke up to find him gone, leaving behind a cryptic message. I think that is why she decided to join the CIA, to find out the truth -- to find him.

Two episodes in and I have two words for you guys: MARY SUE. Fuck, you don't even need to get through half of the pilot to realize that. Ten minutes in to the second episode and they introduce a Gary Stu character in the form of a teenager in college who is a computer genius uncovering codes which were "impossible" to detect in the past. Really? That's what you have? The CI-fucking-A could NOT detect such radio waves when a KID could? Later in the episode, the CIA was able to "crack" the code. Huh. Whatever.

But going back to the pilot. Why "Mary Sue"? Well:

• Annie is a young CIA trainee who is suddenly promoted to field operative in order to help capture her ex-boyfriend, unknown to her (Wikipedia, 2010). "Trainee" ei? She seems to me that she's handling field operations well.
• she can speak 6 different languages. How did she learn them? By traveling. And "language class" in university. This is entirely possible in real life but... coming from someone who has (unintentional) experience with writing Mary Sue characters, trust me. This is a go-to trait for all Sues.
• she seems to be the BEST in everything that she does. And she fucking knows it. And rubs it on to the audience's face about ten minutes into the pilot. It's like she could do nothing wrong... until she got to play with the big boys. She bumps people, tables, and other inanimate objects. For someone training to be a CIA agent, she didn't know about security passes and protocols. Really? A little consistency here, writers. She should at least know those things.
• She follows the same path as Alias' Sydney Bristow took (thus making her less likable): she thought she's the only/most important person in the world. "I'm Annie Walker, uh... I work here?" in that annoying "duh" tone when guards were checking her ID at the gate. Yeah, you and another hundred or so people.

Casting-wise, my favorite cast member and character is Christopher Gorham's Augie. He's the ONLY genuine character in the show - not overdone. He's probably the only one whom I felt something for. The others, I don't give a fuck. Joan Campbell (Kari Matchett) is Annie's boss and she's this paranoid "wife who works for the CIA - and NOT a CIA-wife". She's married to Arthur Campbell (Peter Gallagher) who also works for the CIA in a different department. They're in marriage counseling. Sheesh, I cannot begin to tell you how unnecessary this part of the plot is.

Piper Perabo's acting is nothing to write home about either. Unlike Jennifer Garner in Alias, she couldn't carry the weight of the character. Trying to act badass but it doesn't cut it. It comes across as overbearing and it's annoying.

I mentioned Alias and Sydney Bristow. I fucking loved Alias. LOVED. I abstained for any CIA-related TV shows and movies after it got... abandoned. I happened to watch Covert Affairs because I needed new stuff to watch. I might continue watching because, while so predictable, it has interesting stuff. Interesting enough to keep my attention and carry me to the next show.

I thought this week will be Teen Idols or something like that. Disney Channel shit. What happened? They even had the epitome of Teen Bubblegum Pop as their mentor: Miley Cyrus. I was looking forward to Andrew Garcia doing a Jonas Brothers acoustic and Didi Benami taking on Selena Gomez and The Scene. Shucks. >.< style="font-weight: bold;">Billboard #1 Hits. Back up a bit. Wasn't this the semi-finals theme, too? Okay, that was Billboard Top 100. So what's the difference? One hundred and sixteen years of Billboard number one songs versus one hundred and sixteen years of songs in the Billboard Top 100. It is as vague as it can be. I really wish they stuck with the Teen Idols idea. It would've been more interesting... if not entertaining.

I will run the risk of saying this over and over so I'll just say it here... Of all the songs, why this one? Seriously, 116 years of songs sure is a huge range but why couldn't they pick that ONE SONG they know heart and soul? I'd rather choose from a LOT than from a limited list, say for example songs by a certain artist. As Idol goes on, the importance of song choice only gets emphasized. Sometimes, it saves a contestant. He might not sing it very well, but there's an off-chance that there's another contestant who picked a worse song but sounded better technically. Lacey was saved by "Kiss Me". But it's also the same for the opposite. Song choice can kill you. You can be the best singer but the wrong choice of song might make you sound bad or indulgent.

Lee DeWyze, The Letter
Previous Idol rockers have done this song in the past: Bo Bice, Constantine Maroulis (in Hollywood Round AI4) and Chris Daughtry in his AI5 audition. Lee went with a big band, bluesy arrangement which I kind of like. The dude still gives me Danny Gokey flashbacks but I am in love with his voice. Miley commented that he needed a bit more personality [to fill up the stage] but with Lee, you can squeeze a little more but not a whole lot. He's more of a grassroots, intimate performer than taking on a "huge stage".

Paige Miles, Against All Odds
Trivia: What are the 3 most sung songs in American Idol history? Don't Let the Sun Go Down on Me and I Have Nothing with six, and -- you guessed it, this song with seven. Rule one of Idol is to NEVER attempt a song that is bigger than you('ll ever be). Paige can definitely sing but this is just plain terrible. I do like the preview with the piano more than the performance itself. She was all over the place, she just couldn't find the notes. Again, 116 years of song. You pick this. And the Mariah Carey version, no less. Fail, Paige. FAIL. And oh, Kara... this is NOT the worst vocal performance of the season so far. That honor goes to Tim Urban and Apologize. And speaking of the devil...

Tim Urban, Crazy Little Thing Called Love
Timmy, worst time to attempt a Queen song. I am in my Tony Vincent, WWRY zone right now. Seriously, what is he still doing here? Can you honestly tell me that there were no better singers than him when they had to bring someone back? To be fair, he had no bum notes during this performance. But the performance itself... WTF? I have no words. If [and I hope] Tim goes home tomorrow, I want him to do a duet with Joe Jonas tomorrow.

Aaron Kelly, I Don't Wanna Miss A Thing
This is another staple song for American Idol. And personally, I have a love affair with this song. It seems so easy with Aaron. He can sing anything and do okay on it. The quality of his voice is awesome. He knows how to pick a song that works for him. But yeah, he does need to show that he's in this to win it not just singing for America.

Crystal Bowersox, Bobby McGee
Let me just say it, JOPLIN! Last season, they wanted Allison to do Janis Joplin; I disagree 115%. THIS is how Joplin should be attempted. And it was a VERY successful attempt. This here, my friends, is KNOWING THYSELF. Seriously, Crystal should receive a bye to the top 5.

Michael Lynch, When A Man Loves A Woman
I don't know what it is but I like Big Mike. Simon said it himself, the guy has mad charisma. He easily takes command of the stage with his voice and presence. And you can feel that it's genuine. Although I agree with what the judges said that this performance did seem a bit indulgent. Too much of the good thing. But still, compared to the others -- this is good.

Andrew Garcia, I Heard it Through the Grapevine
I am so sorry, fangirls, but I just don't get him. This is an example of hype backfiring. Is he singing the song or reciting the words? There is almost no melody, the song is too low for him. Wrong song choice. It was just awful.

Katie Stevens, Big Girls Don't Cry
By far, the newest song to be ever sung on an Idol stage by a current contestant. But Katie is the resident old soul. I sort of get the "young it up" comments but what if Katie is really just an old soul? Let's face it, songs then are so much better than the songs now. Trying to make her sing songs she might not like is not good advise. And with Katie, any song sounds old. To be fair, this is my favorite Katie performance so far and I am so glad she's not wearing something out of a beauty pageant.

Casey James, Power of Love
Every time he performs, he looks a little deer caught in the headlights-ish. And for some reason, the guitars look tiny with him. Whatever, he's hot. And he has a hot voice. But Casey, let go a bit more.

Didi Benami, You're No Good
I had to giggle at the irony of the song. Was it for the other contestants or herself? Or both? When Lacey was voted off, I thought those "wanting to be somebody they're not" were gone. Hello, Didi took Lacey's spot apparently. She said she doesn't want to be boxed in to a genre. But what if that genre works the best with what she has? Why not make the song work for her? I don't think she gets it. She is more indie than mainstream. She needs to realize that and work with it if she wants to stay.

Siobhan Magnus, Superstition
It's Miss "to-beat" in the competition. She's loud and low-key at the same time, really. She's a totally different person when she's performing. When she's not... she... talks... so... slowly. Seriously, does she know how good she is? One complaint though: the screech. Yeah, it worked for Adam but after that, this might get a little old a bit sooner than it did last season.

It's a very disappointing night. At least if they stayed with the Teen Idols theme, they have a legitimate excuse for suckage. I can count with one hand the marginally good "teen idol" songs of today. But with Billboard #1s? No excuse for a crappy song.

Miley Cyrus did a good job as mentor, surprisingly. My advise to her, QUIT DISNEY CHANNEL. NOW. She looks too old and [dare I say it] too good for them now. She has a totally different image than what Disney would like to sell. I hope she doesn't go the Dakota Fanning route -- start early and never seem to grow out of it.

Who's going home? Either Paige or Tim. But I'd rather go with Tim... going home, I mean. Can you imagine a 50-city tour that will kick off with him? [I skipped Sarver and Megan last year so yeah, what do I know, right? LMAO.] Between him and Paige, I do like Paige. She can sing and she can bring it.